Acknowledging the need for a break

By: howlinwolf

from the incredibly toxic political environment we are all mucking around in, I have chosen to evoke the memory of dearly departed Rodney (Dangerfield, that is, may he R.I.P.):

  1. I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
  2. With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
  3. My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
  4. What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
  5. My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
  6. My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
  7. I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
  8. My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
  9. My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
  10. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
  11. My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
  12. We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
  13. My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
  14. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
  15. It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
  16. My wife drove into a tree the week after she got her license.  I asked her, "What happened?"  She said, "I don't know; I honked."
  17. I came home after the car was repaired, and it was nowhere to be found.  I asked my wife, "What happened?"  She said, "It was stolen".  I asked, "Did you see who took it?"  She said, "No, but I got the license plate number."
  18. One night, Rodney's house caught on fire, and the kids were screaming.  His wife said, "Be quiet; you'll wake up Daddy."
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